Happy and Heartbroken
This is turning out to be a rough morning. I’m dealing with sleep deprivation, a gassy baby that doesn’t want to be put down, an almost-two year old who is extremely insistent upon getting her own way, and a helpful but willful seven year old who never tires of telling me how bored she is. All of this makes me ”HAPPY” (in a weird “Life is Full” sort of way). Things get rough though, when I stumble across a dvd that simply says “Ben” on it. Madie and I decide to pop in the dvd player to see what it is. It turns out to be a bunch of video clips of various parties and get-togethers that all include Ben in them. My good friend Lee had shot all of these videos and made us this dvd. As we watch the dvd, Madie remarks several times on how young all the kids were back then. This remark makes me smile when coming from a mere seven year old, although she is right, they were all so young back then. Unfortunately I also begin to notice that as these videos progress in chronological order, so does the evidence of Ben’s cancer, until there is a video of all of the kids playing in a basement with Ben simply sitting and watching the kids play around him. He is too tired and physically unable to join in the fun, and so must simply watch and wish he could be normal again. He has lost his hair from radiation, and his face is swollen from the steroids. I can’t watch anymore, the pain is immense and unyielding. There is no escaping the wave of heartbreak that consumes me. I can only sit and cry, raging once again at the unfairness of it all. What had Ben done to deserve it, what had any of us done to have to live through it. It’s just so incredibly unjust.
How Ben would have loved Lily and Rowan. He had wanted Dean and I to have another baby, and had been so excited when we told him I was pregnant. Yet, he never got to meet his new little sister, and now, his new little brother. What a wonderful big brother he would have been. He was so caring and concerned for any little baby he came across. I think he would have been a Pediatrician if he had been allowed to grow up. I miss him more than mere words can express!!!
Life never stops, though, and I have three other children that need something, even as I sit here and type. For this reason, I will pull myself back together, store the pain away until next time, and try to move on with my day. Ben, however, is never far from my thoughts, especially today.
Incidentally, and not surprisingly, Ben’s birthday is a week from today (August 11th). We were initially planning on having a party, but life took hold and we never got the chance to plan anything. We would still like to have some sort of ”toy/things needed” drive for the radiation center or the Children’s Hospital. We will get this decided and let you all know what we decide and what we need ASAP.
Take care everyone and know that we appreciate all of you!!!
