Steadman Family

We've been meaning to post these pictures for several weeks, but have been unable to. The first week of February brought with it the one-year anniversary of passing for both Sam Walsdorf and Cameron Brooks. They are two beautiful boys that I pray are with Ben, all of them laughing in the sunshine, free of their tumors. Dean, Madie, and I wanted to commemorate this, so we bought six purple balloons, and released them to the sky. I had the pleasure of meeting Sam on several occasions. He had a smile that lit up the room and made you feel joy inside. I feel equally touched by simply looking at pictures of Cameron (him and his noodle bowl make me smile every time!). HOW UNFAIR LIFE IS!!! I hate that we have lost our children, these beautiful boys who were so full of life.

We will be commemorating the one-year anniversary of Ben's passing soon as well (March 29th). Both Dean and I have decided that we want something to take place, but are unsure of what. Please share any ideas that you might have of a way to mark this sad but significant anniversary. Once we have a plan, we will be sure to let those interested know what's been decided.

Peace to you all

Take care

Melinda

Happy Valentines Day!!!

I know it was yesterday, but I had a rough time and couldn't find the energy to post. Boy did that catch me off guard! I never thought of Valentine's Day as a day that would be so hard for me to get through. I knew those days like Christmas, Easter, his birthday, these would be difficult days, and so I could plan for them and be ready. I MISSED HIM SOOOOOO MUCH YESTERDAY!!!!!! All I could think about was what a great day Valentine's Day is. To show those important people in your life how much you love them, only he wasn't there to share it with us. He missed all of it. The party at school, the special dinner we had at home, the special little cards and gifts that we shared. Many people will say that he was there in spirit and I understand that line of thinking, but it wasn't enough for me. I WANT HIM WITH ME PHYSICALLY! I want to throw my arms around him and plant a big kiss on his cheek. I want to hold him down and give him a big belly blow while he laughs hysterically and begs me to stop. Why I must miss out on these things with him is a question I will never stop asking, even if there is no answer.

Today is Madie and Dean's birthday. Madie is officially 6yrs old. For her birthday she has requested a trip to Build-a-Bear Workshop, one of her most favorite places. I've lost count of how many animals she has from there. It doesn't help that I also love going there. For dinner she has requested baked spaghetti, raw broccoli to dip in ranch dressing, and chocolate milk. She is like Ben in that respect, loves broccoli and chocolate. I think Dean enjoys celebrating Madie's birthday more than his own so he has no specific requests. I got him a computer game that was recommended to us by a friend, but I did the smart thing and bought two copies. That way we can play together and I don't have to be mad at him for being on the computer all the time.:)

Well, Lily is waking up, so I guess that’s all for now. I'll post again soon

Take care everyone

Melinda 

Lily rolled over yesterday. She went right from her stomach to her back in one swift movement. It did; however, appear to be by complete accident according to the startled look on her face. She didn't repeat the event no matter how many times I put her back on her stomach. Fine by me, I'm in no hurry for her to become mobile yet. Her staying in one place is often the only way I get to have a shower these days.

Both girls are doing well. Madie's constant search for knowledge is keeping me on my toes. Every day it seems she has a new question, one that often has me thinking hard about both the question and the answer. I love this about her and do my best to give her a straight and honest answer. I try to encourage this communication between us since I know that in a few short years she will look elsewhere for answers.

Lily is growing at an astounding rate, which is pretty typical the first year. Her smiles warm me up inside like a ray of sunshine. I've come to notice that she has the same eyes as Ben, which would explain why I can't seem to stop looking at her. She reminds me of him so much. My heart aches for him constantly and I often wonder how I will make it through this life living with this pain, this ache in my soul.

One way I think is to help others going through the same or similar experience(s). I've really begun to get into my scrapbooking, realizing how important it is to preserve my memories of Ben. All of my pictures of him have become priceless possessions since they are all that I have of him now. However, scrapbooking with others is difficult when they don't have a clue to what you’re going through. Especially when they're working on their own kid's books, blissfully unaware of how lucky they are. Anyway, I'm thinking of becoming a consultant for Creative Memories, specializing in helping other parents who have also lost a child. I could provide a way and a place for bereaved parents (or other family members) to scrapbook with others who have also suffered a loss. A place to find support and healing. I’ll try to keep you posted on my progress.

Anyway, it’s late and I’m losing my train of thought so I guess I’ll try to get some sleep. Take care everyone, and have a good weekend.

Melinda