Steadman Family

Reading Alex Kasnoff’s blog this evening brought me back to a painful moment as we prepared for Ben’s death. It was the Monday evening after Ben’s last trip to see Dr. Foreman at Children’s Hospital in Denver that I wrote the following:

“I’ve been asking for some mercy to save him from slowly wasting away and it looks like my prayers are being answered.

We’re preparing Ben and Madie with the information that they need to face the events to come. I have no idea exactly what that means, but I know in my heart that Ben will be free from his cancer and pain. I have faith in an existence beyond our understanding and find comfort with Ben knowing more about it than I do. I am blessed to have had this time to learn from him.”

It was the hardest thing for me to do as a father. To let go of Ben and accept that he was going to die; to acknowledge that I had no ability to protect him; no way make things better; to offer him any comfort beyond my own fear and knowledge of our mortality; and to openly beg for my son not to suffer any further. Mercy isn’t a word that anyone should have to use.

My heart breaks to hear that Alex’s parents Gwen and Steve are now making the same prayers. Their family is never far from my thoughts.