Steadman Family

I just had to post this picture. It makes me feel so lighthearted inside and that feeling is hard for me to come by these days.

Things are going well I suppose. Madie is loving school and all of the friends she has made. She has decided to try out a new sport, but is unsure about which one. She absolutely adores Lily, which makes Dean and I so happy to see, and Lily smiles at her constantly. Lily sleeps through the night now, and seems to be a very content and happy baby. I feel so blessed to have her in my life and as a part of this family. She is helping us to heal somewhat and is a tremendous joy to have around, poopy diapers and all.

I still MISS BEN DESPERATELY every day. Life has become so bittersweet for me, and I feel it will always be that way. How beautiful it would have been to see Ben with Lily. He loved babies so much, and was always begging us to have another one. I asked for a sign from him over the holiday, and I got one on Christmas Eve. I needed black socks to wear with my outfit that evening. I went to my sock drawer to grab a pair, only to discover when I went to put them on, that they were too small. It turns out that they are Ben's old pair of black socks. I have no idea how long they have been there, or even how they got there to begin with. He always hated wearing socks, and had them off the minute we got in the door. This is probably his way of saying that he no longer has to wear them.

Everyone please have a safe and happy new year. I pray it will be a better one for us. I don't know that I could handle another year like the one we just had! I would like to make one thing clear though. With Lily's arrival, and the start of a new year, many people might think that its time to move on and be "over" the loss of Ben. This is an impossablity for me. I will be grieving his loss for the rest of my life. There will always be a hole in my heart and in my soul. I do not expect everyone else to feel this way, or to understand why I do. I only ask that you accept and support me as I slowly try to put the pieces of myself back together. Also, please don't stop talking about him. I NEED to talk about him to anyone who will listen. It makes me feel better... stronger somehow.

Be good to yourselves and the ones you love

Melinda

P.S. Say a prayer for Alicia Martin and her family. She earned her angel wings on the 23rd while at home in her mother's arms. 

I'll be honest that it's taken me a while to get into the Christmas spirit this year, but I'm starting to come around. It's hard looking back at the last year and remembering the magic of last Christmas. Ben was finally getting over his radiation treatments and steroids and was able to smile again. That meant more to me than anything else last Christmas. 

Of course, having these two beautiful girls around the house is making this Christmas special too. Madie is very excited for Lily's first Christmas.

Have a happy merry everyone.  

   Man, did we have a rough morning yesterday. As some of you know, Madie has had febrile seizures in the past, but children usually grow out of them by age 5. Until yesterday morning, we thought Madie had too, we were wrong.

   These seizures are brought on by fevers, usually because the body's temp. rises too quickly. I didn't even know that she had a fever, yet suddenly she began to seize while lying on the couch. Her eyes rolled back, her limbs began to shake, and she starts to choke on her own saliva. Next she stops breathing and begins to turn gray, and then blue. I set her upright and gather her into my lap in an attempt to help her airways to clear so she can breathe. She loses bowl control. Her eyes are completely vacant. I talk to her soothingly, trying to let her know that I am there, and not to be afraid. I, of course, have no idea if she can hear me or not. I feel totally helpless and can only watch while her body struggles to right it's self again. As quickly as it began, it stops and she goes to sleep, completely exhausted. She has no recollection of any of it when she wakes up. I am not so lucky having just experienced what is considered one of the most frightening situations a parent can go through.

   Holding Madie in my arms while she turned gray and then blue, brought up all of my emotions, all of my pain associated with watching Ben pass way in my arms as well. All I can do is wonder why, even when I know there is no answer.

   The doctor has assured us time and time again that these seizures are completely harmless to the child. Even so, we have decided to have an EEG done on Madie to rule out any seizure disorders. This should take place in about 2wks down at Children’s Hospital, and involves getting her up (for the day) at about 1:00am so she’ll be tired enough to fall asleep during the test. We’ll all be sleep deprived together!!

   I am so ready for this year to be over! I have no idea what next year has in store for us, but its got to be better than 2006. It needs to be, or I don’t know that I will have the strength to get through it.

  

On a happier note, we will be posting Lily’s 6wk pictures next week. They turned out great and she’s as cute as ever.