Steadman Family

As spring continues toward summer, I am reminded that life must go on. Every tree and bush, every blade of grass knows the cycle of life and its seasons. I am slowly being pulled forward, kicking and screaming, into a new life and a new season, one without Ben. I don’t go willingly, for I want only to go backwards, back to a time when Ben was here. I long to hold him in my arms and breathe him in, to caress his beautiful face and cover it with kisses. The outside world would just disappear and there would once more be the four of us, together again, a whole family.

There is nothing as painful in life as watching you child die before your eyes. As parents, we dedicate our lives to protecting our children from this. Ben went peacefully, in our arms, surrounded by our love. While I know that this is something that many children don’t receive at the time of their passing, the memory of it brings me great pain, as I was helpless to protect him.

They say that time heals all wounds, but so far, time has only allowed the agony of his loss to sink in deeper. Time may dull my pain, but it will never heal it completely. Not until the day that I can be with Ben again.

I love you son, and miss you terribly.

Melinda

I had my first day back in the office today. Well, sort of. I took advantage of a cold front to sleep in – nothing says “stay in bed” like a cool morning. I rolled into the office at 9:30 which seems to be the new official start time as there are only six of us left my office. Fortunately, someone made coffee before I showed up. And then I left at 1 for a doctor’s appointment. I think it’s best to ease myself back in without too much stress. I should be working a full eight hours sometime this year. Maybe.

It’s hard watching Madie ride her bike alone outside during the day. She and Ben were so close in age that they never had much playtime without the other. I’m really thankful that Madie loves going to school three days a week and is excited about taking some additional classes at the rec center.

Melinda and I are doing fairly well. We both have our tear-jerker moments when we find something of Ben’s around the house, but we talk about our feelings and muddle through each day.

We’re hoping to have the plans for Ben’s garden completed shortly and will put out a call for volunteers once we’ve got our ducks in a row. We’ll start posting pictures of the progress for you folks out of town.