Melinda and I have been working with the folks from the MJ Children's Foundation for the last few months in preparation for their first annual walk/run to support families battling diffuse pontine glioma (DPG) - the form of brain cancer that Ben had. Our goal is to be able to provide information packets to the parents of newly diagnosed kids along with some level of financial support. Every family that we’ve spoken with over the last two years has expressed the same frustration with the lack of quality information surrounding DPG. I like to think of these packets as the starter kit to help get parents up to speed and as an introduction into the network of other families that have faced the same diagnosis that are willing to help.

The walk is being held on Sept. 14th at 8:30 AM at Cherry Park in Thornton, Colorado (map). I recommend that you register online here to save time.

We’re also holding a “Walk from Home” for those of you not in the Denver area. Just complete a registration with your donation to show your support.

Melinda and I will be running an information booth in DPG during the walk and a few more volunteers are needed if anyone is looking to donate some time.

Thanks and we look forward to seeing everyone for the walk.

This is turning out to be a rough morning. I'm dealing with sleep deprivation, a gassy baby that doesn't want to be put down, an almost-two year old who is extremely insistent upon getting her own way, and a helpful but willful seven year old who never tires of telling me how bored she is. All of this makes me "HAPPY" (in a weird "Life is Full" sort of way). Things get rough though, when I stumble across a dvd that simply says "Ben" on it. Madie and I decide to pop in the dvd player to see what it is. It turns out to be a bunch of video clips of various parties and get-togethers that all include Ben in them. My good friend Lee had shot all of these videos and made us this dvd.  As we watch the dvd, Madie remarks several times on how young all the kids were back then. This remark makes me smile when coming from a mere seven year old, although she is right, they were all so young back then. Unfortunately I also begin to notice that as these videos progress in chronological order, so does the evidence of Ben's cancer, until there is a video of all of the kids playing in a basement with Ben simply sitting and watching the kids play around him. He is too tired and physically unable to join in the fun, and so must simply watch and wish he could be normal again. He has lost his hair from radiation, and his face is swollen from the steroids. I can't watch anymore, the pain is immense and unyielding. There is no escaping the wave of heartbreak that consumes me. I can only sit and cry, raging once again at the unfairness of it all. What had Ben done to deserve it, what had any of us done to have to live through it. It's just so incredibly unjust.

How Ben would have loved Lily and Rowan. He had wanted Dean and I to have another baby, and had been so excited when we told him I was pregnant. Yet, he never got to meet his new little sister, and now, his new little brother. What a wonderful big brother he would have been. He was so caring and concerned for any little baby he came across. I think he would have been a Pediatrician if he had been allowed to grow up. I miss him more than mere words can express!!!

Life never stops, though, and I have three other children that need something, even as I sit here and type. For this reason, I will pull myself back together, store the pain away until next time, and try to move on with my day. Ben, however, is never far from my thoughts, especially today.

Incidentally, and not surprisingly, Ben's birthday is a week from today (August 11th). We were initially planning on having a party, but life took hold and we never got the chance to plan anything. We would still like to have some sort of "toy/things needed" drive for the radiation center or the Children's Hospital. We will get this decided and let you all know what we decide and what we need ASAP.

Take care everyone and know that we appreciate all of you!!!

I'm full term now and still no baby. He's decided to wait and force the issue, so tomorrow he comes out via scheduled c-section. I am having a hard time with this. It's entirely my decision and what the doc believes to be the best course of action (based on his size and my history of difficult deliveries). All of us (Dean, the doc, and I) want to avoid a repeat of what happened with Lily's birth. Yet, I can't get past feeling like this is a cop-out. Just going into the hospital and having the baby surgically removed isn't the way it's supposed to be. Then again, none of my birthing experiences have been great; they've mostly been both complicated and traumatic. This, in fact, will probably be my easiest one, so how come I'm struggling with this decision? Maybe it's just plain old fear. It is major abdominal surgery after all, and the recovery is so much more difficult. What if something goes wrong? What if something happens to the baby or I? This is my fear. Of course, something can always go wrong, even with a regular delivery. There is also a little bit of sadness on my part, since this will be my last pregnancy. I know I will miss "the belly" and feeling life grow inside of me, it's such a wonderful thing and I so appreciate the experience of it all!!

I am also very excited to finally meet the newest little man in my life. I hope he knows what he's gotten himself into by choosing us as his family. Two very headstrong and independent older sisters who will fawn over him and love on him constantly!! Hopefully the girls will let Dean and I spend some time with him as well. :) Madie is excited to have another brother and plans on telling him all about Ben. I am so grateful that she feels this way. It will help her to keep her memories of Ben strong within her mind and Rowan (as will Lily) can have some sort of tie to Ben through her. Lily will be her nurturing, baby loving self, which means fighting to get the baby back once she has her hands on him! I am concerned about making sure the girls still get the personal attention they need and deserve from both Dean and I. This will be the hardest for Lily since she is used to all of the attention given to the youngest. Somehow we'll manage, there’s too much love here for it not to reach everybody!!!

Well, I guess that’s all for now. We'll post again soon with new pics and how things are going with everyone.

Well, I'm 37 weeks pregnant today, which is considered full term. Yeah! Now if I could just convince him to come on out. I'm pretty sure it's wishful thinking since none of my babies has ever come before 39 weeks.

I did have an ultrasound last Friday and received some good news. It appears that this little guy (whom we've decided to name ROWAN) is almost a full pound lighter than Lily was at this stage (she measured well over 7lbs while he is only measuring around 6.5 lbs.). This was good to hear since I was facing a scheduled c-section if he was as big or bigger than she was. Now the doc thinks it will be ok for me to have a vbac if I want to. Rowan should only weigh about 8-8.5 lbs by 40 wks.

I would really like him to come this weekend so I could be out of the hospital by the Fourth of July. I don't want to spend the holiday in the hospital if I can avoid it. If not this weekend, then hopefully he'll wait until the weekend after so I can enjoy the holiday with the girls first.

Madie is having a pretty good summer so far. She has been attending various summer camps being offered through her school that help to keep her busy. She has also had plenty of neighbor kids to play with, which is a big help to me.

Lily continues to be a force to reckon with each day. While I enjoy her immensely, I can't remember it ever being this hard to keep up with a toddler, even when I was pregnant with Madie and Ben was an 18mo. old. Of course, I'm older now, and I live in a much bigger house, and I also have a 7yr. old to contend with. Thank goodness Madie is such a big help and often doesn't mind playing with Lily if I need her to.

What will life be like with 3 of them you ask? I have no idea, but I know that I can handle it, even if it's just one day at a time!

Hopefully my next post will be a baby announcement! Until then, I hope everyone is having a great summer and staying cool.

Well, we weathered yet another horrid anniversary this past weekend. I can’t believe that it’s been two years since Ben’s passing. It still feels like it all just happened. Some days I can’t believe that it actually has happened, and I wonder where Ben is. I suppose the waves of pain come a little less often, but when they hit, they hit as hard as ever. What’s funny is that it’s the days and weeks leading up to THE DAY that are actually the hardest. I seem to be completely unable to focus on anything, and no matter what, nothing seems to feel right. Then the day comes and it’s like any other day. You still have to feed yourself and the kids. You still have to get everybody dressed. You STILL have to make it through this day like you do every other day. The wheel never stops turning.

Anyway, the girls continue to bring us joy and healing. Madie is continuing to do well in school and as a big sister. She just recently took her first skiing lesson and had a blast. We may have created a monster though since she’s now begging to go again ASAP! Lily is running full hilt into being a quick and overly curious toddler. Some days it’s a struggle just to keep up, and it will only get worse as my waistline expands and baby boy Steadman gets bigger. She feels my heart with pure love and joy and I can only smile even during her worst tantrum.

Dean’s job hunt has finally ended and he began his new job this week. I am so very excited for him in this new journey. He is in over his head, which is how he excels and gains the most confidence and sense of success. I have no doubts that this is a huge step in the right direction for him. All the traveling will be a bummer but is a necessity.

The baby and I are doing great. Our last check-up had him right on target for size and his heartbeat was very strong and healthy sounding. All of the ultrasound scans appeared normal and there is no question that he is a HE. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible, since it is likely to be out last. It’s tough because I also want it over with so I can meet the newest little man in my life.

I guess that’s enough for now, I’ll try to update more often. At least until the baby comes!

All my love to everyone!!!!

Melinda